And Then She Was Five

Here you are. You are five now. No longer a baby at all. You are lean and strong and smart. You make your own breakfast and help your brother put on his shoes. You are a master communicator and regular user of words like “unusual,” “fierce,” and “delightful.” You are a leader, an organizer and a wonderful friend. I marvel at your imagination and self-assuredness. You are a beautiful person, inside and out, and I am forever grateful to be your mother. You have defied my expectations from the start.

We didn’t have an easy beginning, you and me. I was never the mother I thought I would be. Anxiety and guilt clouded my judgement and my expectations. I couldn’t always see the amazing, perfect, strong, bright, beautiful, sweet gift that had been given to me. Even my memories of those years are murky. For that and so much more I am sorry. I am sorry I wasn’t the mother you deserved. I am sorry I couldn’t really see you and appreciate you. I am sorry I missed out on so much joy.

And yet, in spite of me, you thrived. You are so much better than I could have dreamed. So much smarter and brighter and more hopeful and stronger– so STRONG in body and spirit.

It has been my privilege to watch you learn.

Perform.

Create.

And blossom in kindness and joy.

Thank you, Lillian, for being more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for letting me share in your journey. Thank you for loving me, even on days I probably didn’t deserve it. I promise to try harder and be better. Because you deserve so much. You are so much and you are destined to become even more. I can’t wait to see where your journey will take us.

Happy Birthday. Love, Your Momma