Baby Number Nope

So, here’s the rest of the story, for those of you wondering what was so upsetting that it necessitated the baking of donuts:

The Cloud:
I am supposed to be 9 weeks pregnant. But when we went for the 8 week ultrasound, the baby had no vital signs. For anyone keeping track, this is our second loss this year. The first was very early so, although it was difficult news, we put it behind us quickly. This time, everything was looking great and I’d been feeling great. So getting this news after 8 weeks of excitement…its been pretty devastating.

What’s worse, my body hasn’t gotten the message that I’m no longer pregnant. Its the most infuriating feeling. The only way I can describe it is that its like someone (God I guess?) handed me the most beautiful, gorgeous balloon tied to a very delicate ribbon. I was so overjoyed to have that balloon that I focused on it completely. So completely that I didn’t even realize that it was slipping through my fingers until I noticed the balloon drifting back towards the Heavens, leaving me watching helplessly, my fingers still clinging desperately to the ghost of the ribbon in my hand.

A little melodramatic I suppose, but its the only metaphor I can come up with. I suppose its a hard topic to discuss. In fact, I know that a lot of people who experience these things choose not to discuss about them. Everyone grieves in different ways and I’m definitely an outward griever. I’m certainly not looking for anyone’s pity (in fact, I’d rather just move on in a positive way after this), but I do think its important to talk about it if it might help someone else in a similar situation or at least remove some of the taboo associated with miscarriages.

The Silver Lining:
Anyway, besides the obvious heartache and disappointment, we’re all healthy and well. We’re looking forward to putting this behind us and enjoying the summer. My little Lillian has been so amazing this week — even more amazing than usual. The little gears in her toddler brain must have picked up on something being amiss because she’s been showering Momma with lots of extra hugs and love. And of course JiT has been amazing too.

At this point we’re trying to keep busy and focus on happier thoughts and positive vibes heading into summer. I think we’ll take a break from the baby business for awhile and just enjoy the blessings we have.

In the meantime, wishing each of you a Happy Mother’s Day…whether you are a mom, you have a mom or you hope to be a mom, its a special day for us all.